When Ego Gets in the Way: Why We Struggle to Speak Our Truth

In my work with boards, leadership teams, and families navigating succession, one theme consistently shows up beneath the surface: people aren’t saying what they really think.

Not because they don’t care.
Not because they don’t know.
But because something inside them is holding back.

When we explore why, we often find the same invisible force at play: ego.

The ego isn’t inherently bad. It’s a part of being human—designed to protect us, to help us navigate the world. But when left unchecked, ego can become a barrier to honest communication, deeper trust, and meaningful connection. It filters our words through fear, pride, insecurity, and the need to control how we’re perceived. In other words, it can prevent us from speaking—and hearing—the truth.

How Ego Blocks Communication

1. Defensiveness Over Dialogue
The ego wants to protect our self-image. When feedback feels like a threat—even when it’s well-intended—we can quickly become defensive. Rather than lean into the discomfort of growth, we shut down, argue, or deflect. Dialogue becomes a game of self-preservation.

2. Needing to Be Right
When ego is in the driver’s seat, the need to be right overrides the desire to understand. We listen not to connect, but to respond. To win. This turns communication into a competition rather than a collaboration.

3. Withholding to Maintain Control
Vulnerability—admitting “I don’t know,” or “I’m struggling”—feels dangerous to the ego. So we withhold. We polish our image. We share just enough to appear composed, competent, in control. And in doing so, we miss the opportunity for others to truly meet us.

4. Projecting Instead of Reflecting
The ego doesn’t like discomfort, so it externalizes it. We project our insecurities onto others. We assume motives. We place blame. Rather than looking inward and asking, “What’s mine to own here?” we stay stuck in patterns that erode trust.

Why People Don’t Share Their Truth

Underneath ego-driven behaviors are deeper, often unconscious reasons why people hold back:

• Fear of judgment: “If I say this, what will they think of me?”

• Avoidance of conflict: “It’s not worth the fallout.”

• Cultural conditioning: “I was raised to stay quiet. Speaking up doesn’t feel safe.”

• Internal shame: “I shouldn’t feel this way… I should have it all together.”

• Power dynamics: “They’re the boss. My voice doesn’t matter here.”

When these forces are active, people self-censor. They nod in agreement, say what’s expected, and suppress what’s real. Over time, this creates environments where trust erodes—not because people are malicious, but because they’re afraid.

So, What Do We Do?

1. Build Containers of Safety
Whether it’s a boardroom or a family meeting, people open up when they know they won’t be shamed or dismissed. Psychological safety isn’t a buzzword—it’s a prerequisite for truth-telling. And it starts with how we listen.

2. Model Vulnerability
Someone has to go first. When leaders are willing to say, “I don’t have it all figured out,” or “Here’s where I messed up,” they create space for others to be human too.

3. Practice Self-Awareness
Notice when your ego is activated. Is your heart racing? Are you planning your rebuttal while the other person is still speaking? These are cues. Slow down. Breathe. Reorient to curiosity.

4. Align Around Shared Purpose
When conversations focus on “me vs. you,” the ego thrives. But when we center on a shared mission—whether that’s serving clients, stewarding a legacy, or building a stronger team—the ego loses its grip.

Final Thought

At the core, ego wants to protect us. But when we let it run the show, it often does the opposite: it isolates us, hardens us, and keeps us from the kind of connection we deeply desire.

The invitation—for all of us—is to lead from a deeper place. A place where truth is welcome, where vulnerability is strength, and where communication becomes a bridge rather than a battleground.

Because when we dare to speak—and listen—from beyond ego, we don’t just build better businesses.

We build trust. We build healing.
And we build something truly worth sustaining.